“You’re too fat. Nobody can stand looking at it. Why even bother leaving the house, nobody cares what you have to say.”
I remember the day as if it were yesterday when I was standing in front of the mirror in my room feeling absolutely assaulted by my inner critic. These were just some of the words she was saying to me and tears were streaming down my face.
I knew if I didn’t find a way to deal with her, she would take me out completely. She had already convinced me that I wasn’t good enough so I was only partially showing up in my life. On some level, I knew I was capable of more but she was standing in my way.
I would learn to utilize a variety of tools for dealing with her but the hardest and ultimately most powerful was when I began to offer ridiculous levels of kindness to myself.
I realized that I was thinking and saying things about myself I would never tolerate being said about a friend and I decided to offer myself the same courtesy. As I started practicing being kind to myself, things began to shift for me.
I spend a lot of time telling my clients to be ridiculously kind to themselves and I want the same for you. You may think berating and putting yourself down is helpful but if you’re honest you know that shaming yourself has not produced the results you want, at least not long-term. Since that is not working, I invite you to give kindness to self a try.
Kindness not judgment
I will probably have these words written on my tombstone because I say them so often but the key to offering yourself kindness is to let go of judgment. No judgment!
Don’t judge you, your thoughts or your actions as good or bad, instead, let them be what they are without judgment. This doesn’t mean that you get a free pass to be unkind to others.
When you make a mistake, express remorse for it, apologize if necessary and then offer ridiculous levels of kindness by not judging yourself. Avoid stepping into the place of thinking what an awful, terrible, no-good person you. Instead, let it be okay that you made a mistake, one that you will try your best not to do again. Kindness not judgment.
You may need to lose 10 pounds but has bullying yourself worked for you to get those extra pounds off? I’m guessing it hasn’t so why not try letting it be okay that you have the extra 10 pounds and then look for opportunities to move your body in a way that feels good to you but also has the added benefit of you losing weight. Kindness not judgment.
Love not fear
It is fear that often drives our need to judge ourselves. Fear that we aren’t good enough. Fear of what other people are going to think. Fear that we don’t measure up. Fear leads to a lack of trust, which ultimately create the doubt and insecurities we battle.
When your fear shows up in the form of judgment, ask yourself how would love respond here? If you can have the courage to let love lead, your response will be different.
When fear says you are not good enough, pretty enough, thin enough, smart enough, whatever enough, love will say you are enough just as you are.
You’ll never be able to receive from or give to anyone else what you cannot first give to or receive from yourself. You ARE worthy of being loved ESPECIALLY by yourself.
Within Not Without
When you judge yourself, it is because you have decided that others know more about what is right for you. It is you looking outside yourself for the standard of who you should be or how you should show up in the world.
The problem is if you look outside yourself for the validation of your worthiness you end up giving your power away to those people. Your value, your worth can never be measured by things outside yourself. True confidence comes from within and I believe it starts with extending kindness to self.
The next time you are tempted to judge yourself, I invite you instead to offer yourself ridiculous levels of kindness. I believe something will shift for you at that moment.
Here’s to you rising into your greatness!
From my heart to yours,
If you are having a hard time imaging giving yourself kindness and you would like some support, let’s chat. Schedule a complimentary call with me where we can discuss what life could look like if kindness replaced judgment in key areas of your life.
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